Even the Score
by DarkSuspense
Summary: Trust and forgiveness are harder to earn than love. Can Callie and Arizona move past everything and find themselves within each other again?
1. Even the Score

_Takes place after 9x24 but before 10x01._

After their screaming match in the attendings lounge, Callie left the room leaving Arizona to fall to the couch, completely drained.

The storm died down and the doctors were allowed to leave the hospital. Arizona stayed in the attendings lounge, lying down on the couch. She figured Callie had left and went home with Sofia. She was also very aware that her going home was probably the last thing Callie wanted to deal with so she didn't even entertain that thought for longer than a second.

She finally fell into a restless sleep after what felt like hours for her brain to succumb to exhaustion. She had just kept replaying the words she and Callie exchanged over and over again.

 _Apparently I lost you_

Those four words rang through her brain on a never ending loop. She couldn't unhear, no matter how much she wanted too. Which was a lot. The words entered her nightmares as well.

It was a loud bang that made her shoot up dazed and groggy. Head whipping around, she saw the source of the noise was the lounge door slamming shut. Callie was standing next to it, a foot or so from the white table, with a small sized duffel in hand. Blinking a few times, she took note of the sun shining in through the blinds above her head. It was morning and the storm was completely over. What else was over along with it?

Callie walked towards her not offering a greeting and threw the bag onto the coffee table in front of the couch. Looking between the bag and Callie, a few possibilities ran through her head. All of which terrified her.

"Callie what the hell is that?" Arizona gestured to the bag Callie tossed in front of her. "Because look if that's clothes, then please can we talk about this?"

Callie shook her head, her normally expressive and deep eyes void of anything even resembling emotion. "It's not clothes. Open it."

Hesitantly, Arizona grabbed the zipper on the small tote and pulled it open, looking inside. What she saw was quite possibly the last thing she thought would be in there.

"Is this some kind of sick joke? Because it's not funny," Arizona remarked, reaching in and taking the offending object out of the bag. It was a bone saw.

"Nope, no joke, you said you wanted to even the score, so there you go. Tell me where you want me and you can hack away," Callie's face was stone and there was no indication that she was kidding. Arizona's jaw dropped when the full extent of Callie's words processed through her brain. She hadn't meant she would actually do it. It was heat of the moment. Callie knew that right?

"Callie… I'm not going to cut off your leg," Arizona refused incredulously, putting the saw back into the bag and zipping it up.

"You sure? You really sounded like you wanted to last night," Callie commented. "So go at it. You can even your score and then I'll even mine. That works for me, how about you?"

"Okay first of all, yes I am sure," Arizona informed her adamantly, "and second of all, what score could you possibly have to settle?"

Callie chuckled darkly, "That has got to be the stupidest question I've ever heard you ask. Where should I start? Maybe the dead best friend. Where's Alex? He is your best friend isn't he? Well not for long. Or maybe I should fall off the map for four days after being in an accident leaving you not sure if I was dead or alive with the potential likelihood of your future as a widow and single parent? Or no I got it, I should go find the sluttiest consulting attending and have sex with them in an on-call room. Really it's up to you. Where should we start?"

"We should start with you telling me what the fuck is wrong with you?" Arizona demanded eyebrows furrowed.

"What the fuck is wrong with me is the fact that you think you're the only one that lost something in those four days! I wasn't on the damn plane. You have made that abundantly clear and I know that! But that doesn't mean I didn't have my own tragic experience during those four days or the months that followed it. Because I did! I was told my wife and best friend were missing and more than likely dead. And then, I got you back, only for Mark to die. I watched him die. Then there's you," Callie waved her arm in Arizona's direction, clearly on a roll. "I wanted nothing but to have you back and I thought I got that, even if you hated me, at least you were here! Breathing! But if you hate me goddammit at least tell me!" Callie took a few deep breaths.

There were maybe a handful of times that Callie had snapped or yelled at her during the past year. There were times where life with Arizona was like walking on eggshells so instead of saying anything in the wake of Arizona's angry glares, she would remain silent. The result of her silence was pent up anger. Anger she didn't even really realize was there until last night after the storm ended and Callie left the hospital. She didn't realize it until she was in bed, replaying Arizona's words over and over again. The more times she heard the words 'even the score' the angrier it made her. It made her think of all of the things she had lost. She may not have been on the plane, she may not have been stuck in the forest for four days, but she was in hell too. In a matter of a day, she basically lost two of the most important people in her life. Sofia lost her mom and her dad. She was a widow and single parent. For four days, she was alone, unsure if Arizona and Mark were dead or alive.

"I don't hate you," Arizona shook her head. Callie raised a brow, skeptical of Arizona's words. She couldn't blame her for being skeptical. Right after the amputation, she was a monster. And while it hurt her to even know that she once felt that way, a part of her had hated Callie for what she did and also in turn didn't do. "I just don't think I've forgiven you," Arizona admitted sadly.

"Will you ever?" Part of Callie's cold and stone demeanor seemed to crack and there was a sadness deep in her eyes. Along with… acceptance? No, that couldn't be acceptance could it?

"I thought I did. I was so sure I did."

"If you had, you wouldn't have cheated," Callie pointed out truthfully. There wasn't venom in her words. It was just simple fact. It was acceptance. She had already known she wasn't forgiven. She wasn't sure if she ever was going to be either. She was hopeful, but she would never hold her breath on it.

"Will you ever forgive me?" Arizona had to know. Did she screw things up too badly this time? Could Callie forgive her yet again?

Callie took a deep breath and bit her lip, "I don't know. I want to say I can, I want to believe I can. But I don't know how to trust you anymore and even if you can't say it, you don't trust me either."

Arizona didn't deny it. She couldn't have, even if she wanted to. Because sometime in the last year they changed. They started lying to themselves. Somewhere along the way they stopped talking and started pretending they were okay again. When really, they were never okay, they just tucked everything away into a closet like a child might after claiming to clean their room. Over time, the closet split in half. Callie's pain and thoughts. Arizona's pain and thoughts. They stopped sharing their pain, instead choosing to lock it away from each other. With time, the closet doors grew weaker and weaker. Until, last night. They broke and everything came tumbling into the light. Now today, they were left with trying to sort through the after math.

One of the things to tumble out of the closet that Arizona had not been privy to was Callie's own anger. Even so, the fact that there was anger wasn't entirely surprising to Arizona. She had just never fully seen it. Sure she had seen some of Callie's frustration the day of Baileys wedding but there were not many other times that Callie actually let her own emotions be known. She had closed that part of her off to Arizona. She had to, otherwise Arizona would've used it against her in her own fits of anger several months ago. At that time, it had been all about Arizona. Callie took care of her, tried to help her, took care of Sofia, and all the while grieving her best friend. Arizona had only added to that by pushing Callie away with her rage. Maybe that was when Callie stopped opening up to her, stopped trusting her with herself. Because all Arizona had done was berate and put her down for it.

The plane crash may have been the catalyst that started all of this, but Arizona was the one that separated the closets by forcing Callie to internalize everything. Back then she couldn't possibly conceive the thought that Callie could've been suffering. To her, she hadn't lost nearly as much as Arizona had. She took. She took her leg and broke her promise. A promise that she never should have made Callie make.

After they started mending, or apparently false mending, they never spoke about those days. Callie never used anything she said or did in her anger against her and she never apologized. She should've apologized. Callie deserved an apology. Instead what she got was being cheated on.

Why did she do it? Why did she cheat? She could've said it was because Lauren was just there. But that was a lie. She cheated because Lauren wasn't Callie. Lauren wasn't trying to fix something she broke. Lauren didn't know her. Lauren wasn't someone she blamed for her life falling apart. Lauren… was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Yet nothing had cost her everything just like that. All because she had never really forgave Callie. Even when she told herself she had. It had been one of the many things thrown into the closet and stored away.

What now? Did they tape the closet doors back on and shove everything back inside? Did they turn the garbage disposal on and toss everything down it hoping it didn't clog the drain until it started to overflow? Or did they open the door and walk in opposite directions?

Was there an in between?

Was there a way to level the piles on the floor and start at the new even?

If so, how did they get there? And more importantly, just what would they have to throw away first?

"What do we do?"

What would it take to forgive each other and get back to the love?

"Calliope Torres, ortho," Callie answered, stepping forward and extending her hand after a few minutes of silence. Arizona looked from her face to her hand and back again. Gone were the cold dark eyes, in it's place was determination.

"Arizona Robbins, peds," Arizona reaches forward and grasped her hand tightly, shaking it, part of her afraid to let it go again.

Starting over didn't necessarily mean letting each other go.

Sometimes, it took starting over to let everything else go.


	2. Find the Love Beneath the Anger

It had been a month since their official 'reintroduction' and things were going great. No, that was a lie. Not great. In the month Callie had moved back into Mark's apartment across the hall and Sofia was shuffled between the two. This was done on their mutual agreement but still, not great.

Personally though, things were going great. No. That was another lie. Not great. Turns out, admitting your relationship is no longer built on trust doesn't do anything in terms of making it better. Also, apparently starting over doesn't help you move past your history any easier than if you hadn't started over.

Who knew?

Her therapist most certainly didn't. He didn't know shit in Arizona's opinion and had done jack all to help her in the last week she had gone. The only reason she was going this second time and even stayed for the full hour the first time was because therapy was the only thing she hadn't done yet in an effort to move past the leg and forgive. Both of which she was desperate to do, if the fact she was in therapy didn't scream that loud enough.

So despite her hate of subjecting herself to outside help, that was how Arizona found herself signing her name on the sign in clipboard at the therapists office on this unusually sunny day in Seattle.

"So tell me about your relationship with Callie," the therapist, Dr. Conrad Samson, sat across from her in one of those chairs that practically every therapist seemed to sit in.

"This is about my leg and why I'm still angry. Not my relationship," Arizona snapped. She only wanted to focus on the leg, not the entire relationship. Which, easily enough, was part of the problem.

"You're not going to solve anything if you don't look at the big picture. We've already covered what your goal is here. To move past the amputation and forgive Callie. We have to actually talk about Callie to be able to sort out why you haven't forgiven her yet."

Why was it that therapists always sounded condescending no matter what they were saying?

"Fine, what do you want to know?" Arizona conceded begrudgingly. Just because he was condescending didn't mean he didn't have a point.

"Why did Callie consent to the amputation?"

"She didn't consent to it, she did it," Arizona corrected. He tilted his head slightly in response. "I had an infection and they couldn't control it, I fell into septic shock," she added after to answer his question.

"Sounds like you were dying. Was Callie with you when you fell into septic shock?" He questioned, looking down at what little notes she knew he had.

"No, Alex was."

"Dr. Karev?" He clarified to which Arizona nodded. In their first session, she had only given him a little information but she did explain the plane including Alex's part in her placement on the plane. "So where was Callie at the time?"

"She had left an hour or so prior to go into surgery on Derek's hand."

The therapist furrowed his brows ever so slightly rereading the notes before he opened his mouth and asked the one question Arizona had never truly let go of the anger and assumptions long enough to ask.

"So if Callie was in the middle of performing a major surgery at the time, and Dr. Karev was the one with you when you fell ill to septic, how was it that Callie was the one that made the cut?"

Arizona froze taking in his words. How was it that Callie had made the cut? It's not likely that she would've just left Derek's arm open on the table long enough to perform a full amputation and she hadn't closed it up before she finished just so she could leave. So how could it have been that Callie had cut off her leg? She couldn't have been in two places at one. So, what did this mean?

Arizona suddenly stood up, making the man opposite her look up at her curiously. She didn't say a word before she maneuvered around the table that separated them and left the room still consumed by her thoughts.

The therapist watched the door until it closed.

"45 minutes left in the session. That has got to be a new record for forcing a revelation," the man scribbled a quick note down before closing the note pad.

Arizona made it back to Grey-Sloan in under ten minutes. Which was a feat in itself since the therapists office was thirty minutes away. She had chosen a therapist outside of Grey-Sloan because truthfully, she wanted to keep the fact that she was in therapy under wraps for as long as possible or until she had accomplished her goal, whichever came first. At this rate, Arizona was nearly positive it would come out against her will first.

Walking through the halls of the hospital, she first checked the OR board. Nothing. Next was asking nurses and interns. Something.

The collective answer she received was attendings lounge. That was where they saw her heading last, which was five minutes ago.

It took Arizona very little time to find the attendings lounge, and low and behold, but to her joy, she found her objective there with her back to the door, looking down at her phone, presumably texting.

Closing the door behind her, Arizona strode in front of Callie and yanked her phone right out of her hands not even hearing her protests. Clicking it off, Arizona tossed it towards the couch where it landed safely. Looking back at Callie, she was met with wide eyes and furrowed brows. Callie was looking at her like she was certifiable, which, maybe that was a justified look since she had in fact just barged into the room before flinging Callie's phone out of her hands. Not to mention the fact that she had practically sprinted through the hospital like her ass was on fire all the while demanding to know where Callie was. She briefly wondered if anyone called security fearing for Callie's life.

Pushing that all aside for the time being, Arizona remembered the point of her crazed dash for the hospital.

"Who cut off my leg?" She demanded. A range of expressions filtered over Callie's face quickly starting with confusion at the abrupt question and ending with hesitance. Arizona could see the reluctance in her eyes. She knew in that moment that whatever the answer Callie was about to give was going to be a lie, so instead of letting her do that, Arizona decided to make her aware of just how much she knew, "Why didn't you tell me Alex was the one to take my leg?"

Callie shook her head, "Fucking Karev," she muttered with an angry undertone.

"Don't be mad at him. He didn't tell me. I figured it out for myself. It couldn't have been you, you were operating on Derek's hand at the time. I never thought about that. But now I have, it couldn't have been you. No matter what that chart says. And if it was Carlson, you wouldn't have lied about that. Alex was with me when I fell into septic shock. So please, Callie, why didn't you tell me it was Alex?"

"Because I still made the call," Callie answered sadly. "I'm still the one that told him to take your leg. And I knew, there was a chance you would never forgive me for it, I didn't want you to hold it against Alex too. I wanted you to have somebody. Even if it couldn't have been me," Callie smiled sadly. So maybe it was acceptance she had seen in Callie's eyes the night of the storm a month ago. Callie had always been prepared for her to never forgive her. She was prepared to take the heat for it, regardless of what it meant for them.

"Why?" Arizona questioned incredulously. "How could you be okay with the possibility of me never forgiving you? How could you have accepted that?"

"Because you were alive. I wasn't ready for the only place you existed to be in my head. Even if it meant losing you, you would still be alive. And maybe one day happy, even if it meant without me."

Tears filled Arizona's eyes, making them glassy. Callie had tried so hard this past year to be there for her, she had taken all of her blows, shouldered all of the responsibilities, everything. She tried. She never stopped trying. But the reality was, she was always prepared for the day Arizona stopped pushing her away and just left her. The fact that Callie lived like that for months, broke a part of Arizona's heart.

"You listen to me," Arizona moved her hands to cup Callie's face, she need to get this point across, she had too, "there will never be a world where I am happy without you. Do you hear me? There just isn't." Arizona leaned forward and captured Callie's lips in a kiss. It was short and on the chaste side but it was the most they had touched in the past month. Pulling back, Arizona met Callie's eyes one more time before releasing the breath she hadn't even realized she was holding and stepped back and leaving the room as quickly as she had entered it.

As it turned out, nobody called security on the crazy woman sprinting down the hall demanding to know where a specific doctor was. Though thankful that that was one mess she had avoided, a small part of her was also wary of the fact that no one called security. She wasn't wearing scrubs or a white coat and was acting like a lunatic. They might have to work on that.

She had left the hospital at a more reasonable pace, she also actually followed the traffic laws as actual laws rather than suggestions this time around.

She walked right through the reception area and straight into the office without even bothering to knock. The room was empty save for Dr. Samson, who looked up from his files at her entrance.

"You're session ended ten minutes ago," He closed his file and stood from his desk chair moving around the desk, before taking a seat in his special therapist chair. Ten minutes ago or not, she was here and so was he and she planned to talk. She needed to talk.

"She didn't cut it off. Alex did," Arizona blurted out sitting down on the couch. Conrad nodded.

"And does this change anything for you? Knowing that she in fact was not the one to cut it off?" He tilted his head. The mannerism reminded her a bit of Callie.

"She still consented to it. She still broke her promise. I never should've asked her to make it in the first place but she- she still broke it."

"To save your life." Conrad took a second of thought before continuing, "Are you more upset she gave consent, or that she broke a promise to you? They both certainly matter and they both fractured the trust between you, but what broke the trust more? What broke your relationship so much that the love wasn't enough?"

Arizona's head snapped up to look at him at his last question, "I don't hate her," she said sharply.

"I never said you did. You can love someone and not forgive them for something they did. It's harder than hating someone and not forgiving them. With love, there's two conflicting emotions. One, anger over the unforgiven deed and the other, unconditional love. Sometimes, when the anger wins out, it doesn't feel like there's any love left."

"She asked me if I hated her, after I… after I cheated." Arizona revealed not looking at him.

"Is that what made you decide to try therapy?"

"I thought I had forgiven her. I really thought I did. We were doing fine. Or we thought we were, we weren't really. We stopped talking, we started pretending. And we didn't even admit it to ourselves until… that storm. Lauren, the woman I slept with, she wasn't trying to fix something she broke, she didn't know me, she wasn't Callie. She was nothing."

"What drew you to her? Was it just the fact that she was nothing or was it deeper than that?"

"I lost control. I lost control and it felt good. I have been gripping onto every bit of control I can since my leg. And…" Arizona trailed off.

"And you haven't been able to lose control with Callie because you haven't forgiven her," Conrad picked up. "In the back of your mind the anger is still there. Locked away but still very much able to break out. You can't lose control with someone that you don't trust. Callie had broken a promise to you, she took your leg, she did that in a time that you were out of control. So the idea of allowing yourself to lose control around Callie again is-"

"Terrifying." Arizona cut him off, "Rationally, I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, she was only doing it to save me. But I just can't."

"Fear isn't rational. Neither is anger. Both of which will continue to rule your decisions and thinking until you can truly forgive her." Conrad pointed out.

"How do I forgive her? I know she didn't even do it now, why doesn't that make it easier?"

"Because the trust is still broken. The love is whole and the intentions were pure, but the trust is broken. Between both of you now. You've also broken her trust. That, you can't repair. You can't decide whether or not she trusts you or forgives you for what you've done. Just like how she can't decide whether you trust her or forgive her. Someone could give you a million reasons to forgive her, but that doesn't mean you will. Trust and forgiveness comes on your own time, you'll get to that place with her in time."

"How? How do I get to that place?" Arizona questioned desperately. He made it sound so damn easy.

"You never lost the love. It's just buried beneath the anger. You just need to remind yourself of the love. The anger has had a hold on you for so long, you have to remember what being run by love feels like."

Arizona left the therapists office in a deep state of thought. Maybe, just maybe, therapy was the right call ever all.


	3. The Best Advice is 'Eventually'

While Arizona had come in like a whirlwind asking about the truth about who cut off her leg and then left just as quickly going who knows where, Callie was still stuck on the kiss. It wasn't anything to write home about but it was the first one they had shared in a month.

If Callie was to be honest about it, there had been a lot of times in the past month that she had struggled to even look at Arizona. Those were the times that all she could think about when she looked at her was Lauren Boswell and Arizona screwing in an on-call room.

When she extended that hand to Arizona in an attempt to wipe the slate clean she thought it would've been easier. Well, no she didn't, but she hoped it would be. She had hoped that she could truly put it behind her and not think about it ever again. Yet there were times when she would just watch Arizona tend to patients in the pit or operate in the OR and all she could feel was anger. There was no way to not think about it ever again.

It was different when George cheated. She was willing to forgive him, he just hadn't wanted her too. He didn't want her to because he was in love with Izzie and her not forgiving him gave him an out. This wasn't that. Arizona hadn't cheated because she was in love with Lauren, that Callie was sure of. While she wasn't sure exactly what drove Arizona to cheat, she did know that it came back to the leg. It always did.

Would they ever get to a point that it didn't?

They had to. They had to get to that point because if they didn't then it would mean Arizona hadn't forgiven her, it would mean that the trust between them would always be broken.

Now there was also the matter of how would Callie get to the point where she could look at Arizona and never feel that rage? How would she get to the point where she could touch and kiss her wife again and not think of Boswell doing the same?

It felt impossible right now. Maybe that was how Arizona felt in the short months following the amputation. That the idea of forgiveness was unfathomable.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by her phone ringing from its place still face down on the couch. Plopping down next to it, Callie looked to the Caller ID. Addison was FaceTiming her. It was like she was psychic. She knew exactly what Callie needed.

"Hey," she greeted, answering the call. Addison's smiling face filled the screen. She held her own phone up so the camera showed her face.

"Hey!" Addison was remarkably cheery today.

"What's up?" She tried to sound enthusiastic, she really did.

"Why don't you tell me? Who pissed in your cereal?" Addison remarked, taking note of her mood. Guess her attempts at false enthusiasm did not prove well done.

"No one pissed in my cereal," she rolled her eyes, "it's just, Arizona kissed me today. It was the first time since…" Callie trailed off biting her lip. She had told Addison all about everything the day after her talk with Arizona talk the morning after the storm. Addison had been ready to fly up to Seattle and kick Arizona's ass. Something of which Callie had been tempted to let her do, but instead talked her down.

"You let her?" There was surprise in Addison's voice as her eyebrows shot up.

"She barged into the lounge demanding to know who really cut off her leg. To which she told me she knew it was Alex already, she just wanted to know why I lied. I told her why, and then she kissed me. Next thing I knew, she was out of the room again," she summarized the events that took place less than an hour previous.

"Well how did it feel?" Curiosity filled her voice and expression.

"It was short, I didn't really have tim-" Callie tried to deflect only for Addison to shake her head.

"How did it feel?" She repeated not having any of Callie's deflection. Deflection wasn't going to get them anywhere.

"Different. It was different and that scares me, what if I can never forgive her?" Callie looked away, refusing to look at Addison.

"I can't answer that for you. Derek took years to forgive me and by the time he did, it was because he had moved on. He was happier, he found the person he was really supposed to be with. He found his true love. Fortunately that is completely different," Addison rushed to add when she saw the panic growing on Callie's face. "Look, Arizona is your true love, that much I am sure of."

"How can you know that? We've broken up so many times, what if this is something we can't come back from?"

A look of compassion crossed Addison's face, "Callie true love doesn't mean you don't break up, it means you always get back together in the end. I don't know how long it will take, you probably don't even know, but you will eventually forgive her. And she will forgive you. And eventually, the trust will come back."

"Addison, sometimes I look at her and all I feel is rage. How can I look at someone I'm supposed to love and feel pure rage?"

"It goes away. Trust me. The rage? It goes away. It becomes less important. The love outweighs it. It might not now, but it will. It always will. Eve-"

"Eventually?" Callie cut her off with a smirk. Addison closed her mouth before breaking into laughter. Sometimes eventually is the best advice you can give someone. Because everything happens eventually.

The attendings lounge door opened and Meredith poked her head in.

"Hey, trauma incoming. You up for it?"

"Yeah give me a sec and I'll be down," Meredith nodded and closed the door leaving Callie alone again.

"I think that's your cue."

"Thank you," Callie said sincerely. Even if all she really could get was 'eventually' it helped more than she thought it would. It gave her an odd feeling of reassurance. Talking to Addison always helped her in some way.

"Anytime. Talk soon Vegas."

"Will do Manhattan."

The trauma had given her something else to think about. It occupied her mind for the rest of the day until the last surgery was finished. Arizona was set to put up Sofia from daycare that day so after doing one last round on her patients, Callie changed into her street clothes and crossed the street to their apartment building.

Getting off the elevator, she walked down the hall towards their apartments. Coming to a stop in front of Mark's apartment, which was also currently her apartment, she read the paper that was taped to the door.

 _Dinner in 502_

Frowning slightly, Callie briefly debated ignoring the request. That wouldn't get them anywhere. Ignoring each other probably wasn't the way to go about earning forgiveness. So she conceded and turned around to face the door to the apartment she used to call home.

"Walk tall Torres," she mumbled beneath her breath before nodding to herself and putting her hand on the door knob and turning it, pushing the door open. _Walk Tall._

Walking into the apartment, she was immediately drawn to the counter, there were two plates on the island next to two glasses of wine. Arizona was no where to be seen. Looking around, there as no trace of her.

"Hey, you came," a happy voice drew her attention. Arizona had exited Sofia rooms, softly closing the door behind her.

"Yeah… you asked me to."

So things were a bit awkward between them. That was what happened when you went through the things they have. It was hard to remember normal.

"Right," Arizona nodded. It looked like did it more to herself than to Callie. She paused before a second as if debating whether to say what she wanted to. "This is awkward. And that's why I invited you actually. It's been a month. We've been skirting around each other for a month and it's not working," she said after her internal debate.

What did that mean?

"Um? I'm sorry, I don't understand."

Just where was she taking this?

"I haven't forgiven you. And I know you sure as hell haven't forgiven me. But I want to, and I want you to. And I think to do that, we need to remember why we want to. So, I propose, we stop acting like two people who just woke up after having spent the night together with no clue what the others name is," Arizona frowned at her last sentence. That probably wasn't the best analogy. She was ready to ramble and take it back when Callie's laughter stopped her rapidly building panic.

"You apparently suck at all types of proposals," Callie chuckled, "but okay, I think we can do that," she shrugged, smiling.

So that was what they did. They ate dinner, they drank wine, and they laughed together. They exchanged interesting surgery stories, ridiculous intern antics, anything and everything. For the first time in a long time, they had a conversation that wasn't weighed down by fear of saying the wrong thing, or by awkwardness. For the first time in over a year, they were the people they fell in love with, not the people hardened by tragedy and loss.

Maybe Addison was right, eventually would come. Sooner or later.


	4. Don't Mistake Love For Forgiveness

It was nine days after their dinner and so far, they had been succeeding pretty well at acting less awkward around each other. They had dinner together twice more and two family dinners as well in that time. Some of their interactions were still awkward, but slowly more of their conversations became just random rather than having a purpose. It had been awhile since they spoke to each just for the sake of it.

This was progress.

Today was different though. It was nearing six in the evening when the daycare called Callie. Arizona hadn't shown up to pick up Sofia nor had she called to inform them that she would be late. If there was one thing Arizona never did it was forget about Sofia, even if she was in surgery, she would tell someone to page the daycare and let them know she'd be late.

"Is Dr. Robbins in a surgery?" Callie questioned an intern the second they entered the trauma room. She had been working on a man from a car vs. bike with Meredith when she got the call.

"No," Meredith answered before the intern even had the chance to open their mouth. Callie looked at her, eyebrow raised.

"Do you know where she is?" Callie asked. Apparently Meredith was more informed on Arizona's whereabouts than she was.

"No," her tone was just as short and dismissive as it was the first time. What was going on today? Derek had been on edge all day, Cristina had practically been living in the OR, Arizona was who the hell knows where and Meredith was biting her head off.

"Okay, do you want to explain what crawled up your ass today?" Callie slammed her hand down on the tray beside the gurney. She was already angry about the fact that Sofia was all but abandoned down in daycare so Meredith snapping at her was not helping her mood.

"One year ago today, a plane fell out of the sky. People died. That is, if you must know, what crawled up my ass today." Meredith glared at her before dropping her tools down on the tray and leaving the room.

Callie just stood there gaping at the news. She had never even thought about it. It had been a year. An entire year. And today was the day the sky fell. Literally.

"Shit," Callie breathed out, shaking her head. How could she not have remembered? All of her previous anger about the whole daycare Sofia situation dissipated. Turning to the intern that looked like they wanted to be swallowed up by the ground, "Page Carlson for this reset and finish these sutures," she ordered before stripping off her gloves and leaving the room.

Quickly she made her way up to pediatrics and found exactly the person she was looking for.

"I need a big favor," she spoke without preamble. The peds surgeon put his tablet down on the counter in front of him and turned to face her.

"What?" Alex questioned, arms crossed.

"Can you pick Sofia up from daycare and watch her tonight? Please? I'll owe you."

"Why do you need me to watch your kid?"

"Because today is the anniversary of the crash and I need to find Arizona," she explained. Realization crossed over Alex's face, followed by regret.

"I didn't even realize," he admitted quietly.

"Don't feel bad, I didn't either. So will you?" Alex nodded in agreement. Callie offered him a smile before turning around and rushing towards the lounge. She needed to change and get out of the hospital as soon as possible.

On the walk out of the hospital and across the street, Callie's thoughts consumed her. What exactly was she going to willingly walk into? Should she even go in there? She didn't have to, she wasn't living there. She could just go back to her own apartment and leave Arizona alone. She could, if this was anyone else. This was Arizona. This was Arizona on one of the worst days of her life. She couldn't avoid her. But the question was should she?

Knocking on the door, she got no response. Trying the knob, she found it locked. She sighed. This was her last chance to back out. The second she unlocked the door and walked into the apartment there was no going back. Her decision will have been made. Her hesitation didn't last long and her nerves steeled. Taking out her keys, she found the one she had used a million times before and inserted it into the lock. Turning the key, she took a deep breath and prepared herself for whatever she came upon.

Opening the door slowly, she looked around cautiously.

"Oh. My. God."

She had stepped into a disaster zone. Callie was seriously reconsidering her decision to enter the apartment after seeing the living room. Pieces of a smashed lamp were scattered across the floor. The end table the lamp had been on was upturned. The wooden accent table behind the couch had two of its legs snapped off. The couch was crooked and angled towards the door. Whatever had been on the coffee table looked like it had been swept off onto the floor.

There was a banging sound coming from the kitchen. Walking further into the apartment, weary of the pieces of destroyed lamp on the floor, Callie turned the corner, taking in the site in front of her.

The counter and island were covered in several plates and bowls worth of shattered pieces. Arizona was standing with her back to Callie, hands spread on the counter breathing deeply.

"Arizona…?" Callie announced her presence cautiously. Clearly Arizona was not in the best of moods and Callie wasn't exactly sure what response she would be getting.

"Leave me alone Callie. Today is not the day," Arizona shook her head not turning around. Her voice was low and her tone colder than Callie had heard it in a long time.

"I'm not going anywhere Arizona. I'm not going to leave. I promised you I wouldn't, and I'm not. I am here for you."

"What do you not understand about leave me the fuck alone?" Arizona remained with her back to Callie.

"I'm not going anywhe-"

"I said GET OUT!" Arizona spun around, mug in hand and whipped it right past Callie's head, smashing into the living room wall. The hard impact it made caused it to explode into a million pieces.

Eyes wide, Callie looked from the place on the wall where the mug hit back to Arizona. Her deep breathes turned faster and her anger broke leaving just the pain. Her body shook as her breathes dissolved into sobs and tears ran down her face.

Callie dropped her bag onto the floor and rushed around the island, grabbing Arizona tightly in her arms.

"Let me go! Let me go!" She screamed between her sobs, trying desperately to break out of Callie's hold.

"I got you, it's okay. It's okay," Callie whispered into her ear.

"Get off! Let me go!" She screams mixed with her sobs before the sobs took over, racking her body. She crumbled. If Callie hadn't been holding onto her, she would've fallen straight to the ground. Callie slowly lowered them both to the ground, still holding onto Arizona.

"Shh shh, it's okay. I got you."

"Let me go. Let me go," her protests quieted and the force behind her attempts to push Callie away weakened. She stopped pushing at Callie and her hands fisted Callie's jacket in her hands holding onto her tightly.

"I got you, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm here, I'm here," Callie repeated in her ear. Arizona only clung tighter to her, heaving sobs.

Eventually the sobs quieted and her breathing level out to a point where Callie couldn't tell if she had cried herself to sleep or not. Shifting slightly, Arizona's grasped on her tightened. Seems like she wasn't down with the idea of moving just yet.

They sat there for close to two hours in silence before Arizona broke it, "Sofia?" She questioned, voice not above a whisper.

"Staying with Alex for the night," Callie answered just as quietly. Arizona nodded, she was thankful that Sofia didn't have to see her like this, nor the apartment in the state it was in.

The next time Callie spoke, she was met with no response.

"Arizona?" She moves slightly to look at Arizona's face, her eyes were closed and her breathing was completely even. She had fallen asleep. Knowing where Sofia was was enough to make her feel comfortable enough to let go and fall into her exhaustion.

Slowly, Callie maneuvered her arms around Arizona and moved to stand, picking up a sleeping Arizona. Carefully, she walked them through the wreckage of the apartment and to the thankfully open bedroom door. Placing Arizona on the bed, she moved to leave when a hand stretched out and gripped her arm.

Turning back, she saw nearly closed eyes looking up at her.

"Stay." There was a slight hint of desperation in her tone. Maybe that's what it was that made Callie shrug off her jacket and lay down next to her. Maybe that's what it was that made her let Arizona wrap herself around her again. This was the first time they had shared a bed in over a month.

In the depths of Arizona's sleepy mind, she hoped that it was a step towards of forgiveness.

Maybe it was.

After a night of restless sleep, Arizona woke feeling heavy with tiredness but somehow at the same time lighter. Stretching out, it took her a minute to look over to where Callie had been. Then she looked at the clock. 5:01.

Getting out of bed, Arizona walked out of the bedroom, taking in the rest of the apartment. It was no longer a disaster zone. Everything was as it was before, save for what was missing due to its being smashed.

But Callie was nowhere to be found.

Or maybe it wasn't.


	5. I'd Go Through Hell With You Baby

Arizona's steps faltered on her way to the kitchen. Even if Callie hadn't forgiven her she wouldn't just leave, would she?

The simple answer was no. That wasn't who Callie was. Callie had endured months of hate and anger and never left. So she wouldn't leave now. She said she wouldn't.

So where was she? She wasn't in the apartment. It was five in the morning, she wouldn't be going to get Sofia either. What reason did that leave for her to leave?

The complicated answer was Arizona wasn't the only person she loved on that plane.

A light went off in Arizona's brain. Making her way to the door, she grabbed her jacket, ignoring the soreness emanating from her leg. Sleeping with her leg on was not the best of ideas but she could deal with that later. Right now, she had somewhere to be.

The second she spotted Callie's car she knew she was right in her guess. Pulling in next to it, she turned the ignition off and exited the car. Walking the short path, a sadness seemed to linger in the air. Of course that was the natural feeling a cemetery would give off. Shaking herself, she came to a stop a several feet behind the person she was looking for. They were standing in front of a grave, shoulders shaking ever so slightly. She could see the engraved words on the tombstone from where she stood.

 _Mark Everett Sloan_

 _1968-2012_

 _Friend and Father_

 _Forever Remembered_

"I forgot what yesterday was," Callie admitted softly. Arizona wasn't sure if she knew yet that she was there or not. "I actually was able to forget. I was so caught up in all of my own shit that I _forgot_ ," Callie shook her head and paused. Arizona now knew for sure that Callie was still unaware of her presence. "In bed earlier, all I could think about was how nice it felt and for one second I couldn't remember why I didn't have that feeling every morning. Then I remembered and all I wanted to get lost in that one second. I need my best friend to tell me to get lost in those seconds. I need you to tell me how to move on from this anger. You always were able to make me see past myself. I don't know how to without here to tell me. I need you. God Mark I need you. Please I just need my best friend."

Arizona's heart broke hearing Callie's pain in her words. Callie suffered from that crash too. It may not have been a physical fight like Arizona's but it was there. It was there and Arizona ignored it and put her own above it. Now, Arizona was unsure of what to do. Should she leave and let Callie have her privacy with this moment, or should she comfort her? She thought back to the night previous, Callie had stayed, she had comforted her, even after she threw a mug at her head.

So decision made, Arizona took a step forward only for a low snap to be heard. She had meant to be as silent as she could. She cursed herself. Callie turned her head and saw Arizona standing feet behind her. She quickly turned back to look at the headstone, whipping at the tears streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry, I thought I would be back before you woke up," Callie apologized, swallowing.

"Don't apologize for having pain," Arizona took a few more steps forward. "I made you do that for so long and that wasn't fair. That wasn't right. You had an experience. You have pain. You suffered loss. You have a right to feel it," Arizona places her hand gently on Callie's shoulder. She was still standing with her back to her.

Callie shook her head, "No I don't, I forgot about it." She was angry with herself about that.

"We all forget things sometimes," Arizona shrugged, "then we beat ourselves up because we did. The first year after my brother died, I forgot that day. I had spent so much time in pain and drowning myself in work and sorrow that I hadn't even had time to feel it on that day," she admitted. Callie turned her head slightly. "Then my parents called me and asked how I was doing and then I remembered. I was so angry at myself that I forgotten. I've never forgotten it since. But I know he wouldn't blame me for forgetting. Hell he probably wishes I would."

Arizona moved to stand beside Callie, in front of the headstone. Dropping her hand from Callie's shoulder down to where Callie's hand was hanging by her side. She laced their fingers, squeezing her hand.

They stood side by side in silence for a while before Arizona asked a question that had been bugging her. She knew she had no right to let it bug her, but it did nonetheless.

"Do you ever-" she licked her lips, "do you ever wish it was me not Mark?" She rushed out all in one breath.

"What?" Callie's head snapped to look at Arizona in shock.

"That died. Do you ever wish it was me not-" Arizona began to repeat sheepishly.

"No I know what you meant but how could you ever think that?" Callie furrowed her brows.

"I've treated you awful," Arizona scoffed, "when people think of wife from hell, I'm probably the face they see. I've hurt you so much."

"Yes you have," Callie agreed causing Arizona to drop her head, "but that doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I would rather you dead than alive. If that was how I felt I would've let you die a year ago. I saved you, even knowing that you could hurt me. I still chose your life over my pain. And I would go back and make that choice every time. I love Mark. I loved him to the ends of the earth. I always will, he was my best friend. But I will love you to hell and back."

"That doesn't sound to great," Arizona frowned. Callie chuckled, and let go of Arizona's hand, before putting her arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer to her.

"Trust me it is. Hell sucks. But I'm willing to go through it with you. Because I love you enough to come back from hell."

"You are amazing you know that?" Arizona shifted her head to look at Callie. "I'm never going to hurt you again," she promised burying her face into Callie's neck.

"Yes you will. And I'm going to hurt you too." Arizona recoiled slightly from her words. She moved to pull back but Callie kept a tight grip on her, not letting her move. "No more making promises we know we might not keep. I've learned from last time," Callie looked down to meet Arizona's eyes, "I love you, and I'm going to hurt you. You love me, and you're going to hurt me. It wouldn't be love if it didn't hurt sometimes, because love? Isn't meant to be easy. Otherwise everyone would have it and never lose it. Love doesn't mean we won't hurt each other, it means we'll fight for each other when we do," Callie smiled.

Arizona just shook her head slowly in disbelief. How did she get so lucky? She released her arms from Callie's waist and brought them up to Callie's face, cupping her cheeks and pulling her down to connect their lips. Callie tightened her arm that was around Arizona pulling her flush to her, before bringing her other hand up to hold the nape of Arizona's neck.

They had been through a lot. They had lost trust in one another. They had left one another. But the one thing that was never up for question was their love for each other.

Trust and forgiveness however, were still up for question. Sometimes, love isn't enough without trust.

And those are the times that we work like hell to get it all back.


	6. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The conservation in the cemetery was the first topic Arizona blurted out the second she sat down in the therapists office a few days later. Her therapist, Conrad, was intrigued by the development even if it didn't show on his face.

He didn't speak for a long minute making Arizona fidget in her seat. She genuinely wanted to know what he thought of it. This was only her third session yet she found she trusted him a great deal. And it wasn't because of doctor-patient confidentiality, she trusted him because he didn't sugar coat things. He pushed her to answer questions she never had. Something of which annoyed her to no end in the beginning but after the last session, she was grateful for it.

"She's right," Conrad spoke after some thought. Arizona looked at him in slight confusion. Which part? She had recited a lot of what Callie said. "About love and hurt. There is no love without hurt. And you are going to hurt her again. She'll hurt you too. It's good that she recognizes that. It's something you need to as well."

"But I don't want hurt her," Arizona protested. She wanted to be able to say she wouldn't hurt Callie again.

"Maybe not but you will. We hurt people everyday, whether it be unintentionally or not. Hurt is unavoidable. We, as people, all have feelings. Feelings that other people, as human nature, don't prioritize as number one. Even the feelings of those we love. By nature, our own personal feelings come first. It's instinct. It's self-preservation. It's one of the things that makes love so difficult. We don't want to allow ourselves to get hurt. By being in love, we open ourselves to that hurt on completely different levels than everyday life. It's where fight or flight comes from. Are we willing to possibly get hurt by fighting? Or would we rather run from the hurt and close ourselves off from it?" The therapist asked rhetorically.

Arizona mulled over his words. Conrad observed her as she did so. He had a hunch as to which Arizona was naturally. He was just waiting on a confirmation, however it came.

"I used to bail when things got hard," Arizona admitted, frowning. _Bingo_ , Conrad thought.

"Past tense? Do people change? Do we change our behavior based on experience? Or do we only believe we've changed until something happens? Something happens that in the past would've caused you to run. Where does that leave you? At a crossroads wondering if you truly are different, or if it was just something you deluded yourself into believing? Change is something that is debated everyday. The current prominent debate is, can people truly change or are we who we are forever, destined to always be that way?"

"What do you think? Can people really change?" Arizona furrowed her brows. She wanted to believe change was possible. She wanted to believe that she had in fact changed. That her first instinct was no longer to bail but rather to stay and fight. But was all of that want and belief a delusion to who she really was at her core?

Conrad tapped his pen on his pad. Can people change? It was a loaded question to answer to anyone. It was even more so to someone such as Arizona. Especially when the answer was coming in the form that it had. Hearing her struggles and lifestyle post amputation, he knew the answer to the true question she was asking. Had she changed? Consciously, yes she had. But on a subconscious level… that was a different story. Changing the subconscious from what you are instinctually conformed to is no easy feat. Some believe it isn't possible.

It's been tested as well. When tragedy or hardship strikes, what is your first instinct, your very first thought? Is it to do what you've always done? Or is it to do what you've attempted to retrain yourself to do?

The answer varied depending on the person. Unfortunately, what had taken place here was clear. While physically, Arizona had not bailed as she has been accustomed to doing. Mentally and emotionally, she disappeared from her wife and daughters life. She locked them out of hers and herself out of theirs. She was there, but she had checked out for a while and bailed. Had Arizona changed? In a way yes. In a way no.

"I believe people can change. We have to to be able to escape the cycle of life. Otherwise we would consistently make the same choices rather than learning from the consequences. We get smarter. We learn the right answers. But fundamentally, we still have a first instinct. That first instinct will always be whatever choice we made at the beginning of the cycle. Before we learned from it. Consciously we change, we grow. Subconsciously is different. But that wasn't your real question, now was it?"

He could've just answered what he knew her question really was. Easily in fact. But that wasn't the point of therapy. He told her a lot, he gave her a lot of explanations but he couldn't give her everything. That wasn't the point of therapy. She needed to ask herself questions. She needed to one day do enough searching to be able to find the answers on her own. But right now, here, he would guide her.

"Have I changed?" She sighed, similar to a sigh at the point of defeat.

"I don't know, have you?" Conrad shrugged. _Come on Dr. Robbins, get there on your own._

"I don't know! You're the therapist! That's what your job is! You're supposed to tell me!" Arizona exclaimed. _Damn. There it is. The mental and emotional step back,_ Conrad thought to himself.

He could see it for what it is. It was flight. It was a refusal to face facts on her own. Even if he were to just answer her, she would deny it. She would still wish to believe she had changed and would refuse to see the complete truth. Yes she had changed, just not at her core.

Her first instinct was still flight. Even if she couldn't physically flee anymore now having a family to tie her in place. She could mentally and emotionally bail. She could and for a time, she had.

"It's not my job to give you the answers. It's my job to guide you to them. You have to actually get them on your own."

Arizona stood, clearly agitated. She had just wanted a straight answer, not a cryptic solve it yourself puzzle with a few clues. She strode over to the floor to ceiling windows on one of the walls of the office. She looked out them, hands clenching and unclenching.

 _Interesting_ , Conrad took in her actions. As he had thought, consciously, she could combat her instinct to bail. It was what she was doing right now. The hand clenching was out of frustration. Question was, was the frustration with herself or him?

"What are you frustrated with?" Conrad wondered. Arizona turned around, jaw slightly tighter than before.

"I'm not frustrated," she argued pointlessly. He knew she was frustrated. So did she.

"Yes you are. So what is it with?"

"Maybe it's with the fact that this isn't why I came to therapy? I came here to fix my relationship with Callie, to be able to forgive her! Not for you to psychoanalyze me!" Arizona exploded, frustration morphed to something more. Conrad shook his head and chuckled faintly. "Why the hell are you laughing?" She demanded. Conrad looked over to her.

"You are so damn stubborn. Every time something comes up that you don't like, you dig your heels in. Every time something comes up that scares you, you get angry. You get angry because you are trying like hell not to run out of here," Conrad closed his notepad, and stood with it in hand. He moved over to his desk and dropped the pad and the pen onto it, Arizona's eyes following his every move. He shifted to face her, leaning back on the desk, arms crossed. "I'm going to be straight with you here Arizona. You may never forgive Callie."

"I have too. I'm paying you to make me able to!" Arizona exclaimed.

"Let me rephrase. You will never forgive Callie," he held up a hand when she opened her mouth, silencing her, "listen for once. You haven't forgiven her yet for a reason. You are unable to. You can't forgive her because you won't admit to yourself, who you are at your core. Honestly, I don't think you truly even know yourself who you are. The amputation upset the balance inside you. You lost yourself when you lost your leg and you are still trying to be the person you were before. Except, you can't be. I'm willing to say that person never would've cheated on her wife. She never would've treated her wife the way she did. Yet, you have. That person is long gone. So who are you? Do you know? Because every time we try to find out, you push back. You don't want to confront who you are or even admit that who you are now, is different. Until you are willing to allow yourself to be the person you are now, you won't be able to forgive Callie for destroying who you were."

The words hurt. They hurt more than Arizona would've thought a therapists honesty could have. They hurt because maybe they were true.

That didn't mean she had to believe it though. Shaking her head, Arizona walked over to the couch and picked up her bag before storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

 _One step forward, two steps back._

Conrad sighed. She slammed the door so hard it practically shook on the hinges. He'd found the root of the problem. He found the root and realistically, he worried divorce was in the doctors future. She seemed to want to forgive her wife. She really did.

The problem was, it wasn't that simple. He had meant what he had said to her. Arizona Robbins would in no way ever be able to fully forgive her wife until she found herself again. The leg may have been the catalyst to Arizona's issues, but it no longer was the sole issue. It never really was. The leg caused her to lose herself. It was a part of her and when she lost it, she didn't know who she was anymore. She did things she never would've done before. She had bailed because of her anger and refusal to face her wife with anything other than anger.

All of it was connected.

So how do you find yourself again?

You can't find yourself when who you were is gone. Who Arizona was is just as gone as her leg. She now had to find who she wanted to be. And the only way to do that was to talk. To think. To feel. And to fight.

The thing Conrad feared was that she may not be able to find who she wanted to be without forgiving her wife, and she couldn't forgive her wife without finding who she was.

If this so happened to be the case, they would either be going in circles forever, or something would have to give.

The unavoidable question was, would it be Arizona's stubbornness to confront who she was or would it be her wife's capacity of her own forgiveness?

What would break first?

If Arizona's stubbornness broke first and she allowed herself to accept the fact that she is no longer the person she once was, then her forgiving Callie wasn't out of the question.

If her wife's capacity to stick with Arizona broke first then Conrad couldn't see any future other than divorce for them.

Arizona had lost herself but her first instinct remained the same and that was flight. Arizona would have to stop fleeing from the truth to get to where she wanted to be.

Fight or flight.

Arizona needed to fight, and this time it was a fight with herself. If she didn't… then Callie might just be the one fleeing.

Sometimes we fight for so long we just can't do it anymore. Sometimes, fleeing is the only thing that keeps us going once we lose our ability to fight.

Would Callie get to the point of fleeing before Arizona got to the point of fighting? Conrad sure as hell hoped not.

"Mandy, call Dr. Robbins to schedule her next appointment," Conrad released the button on the phone.

For now, he would fight for Arizona until she could do it herself.

 **Happy Fourth of July to all of the Americans out there!**


End file.
